Boom!!!!

ASIO port 9679 – Intel/Snoopy wavefinder via Bangkok. Telstra Australia Node: 4

DATE: 25/05/09
DESIGNATION: Most Secret.
ACTION: Hold for possible leak in early June dependant on outcome.

Transcript of phone intercept between Whitehouse and The Lodge, Canberra. 2.20AM EST. Caller identified as Barack Obama (Day code: “Coal Face”) and Kevin Rudd (Day code: “Fine Wig”).
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Coal Face: Hey, Prime Minister Rudd! How are you, my man?

Fine Wig: (Snort, snuffle.) Who? …. Do you have any idea what the (expletive deleted) time is? Who the (expletive deleted) is this?

Coal Face: Whoa, my man. Keep you hair on there!

Fine Wig: What? Oh yes, thank you for reminding me….(scuffle) …… Right, now who is this?

Coal Face: It’s Barack Obama, President of the good old U.S. of A.

Fine Wig: Good Lord! Look, I’m really sorry. Oh gosh, what a dreadful mix-up. Heads will roll, I promise you. I should have been informed. Please, how can I help you in any possible way? Anything, anything at all, I would be so pleased. Oh, please……..uh, Barack, my old friend. Gosh.

Coal Face: Hey, my friend, your people couldn’t know it was me - I’m calling from a pay phone. I need to speak with you about something a mite … delicate.

Fine Wig: Of course … uh .. old friend – Gosh – delicate is my middle name. What can you do for me … I mean, me do for you?

Coal Face: Well, it’s this way Kerry baby I ……

Fine Wig: It’s Kevin actually.

Coal Face: Excuse me?

Fine Wig: No, sorry, sorry. Kerry is fine. Kerry will be just fine. Sorry.

Coal Face: Yeah, right. Okay - so we have a bit of a situation with this whole Global Financial F**k-up and I think we can do something about it right here on the Globe with a little help from our great Australian allies. What do you say?

Fine Wig: Most certainly, most certainly. I expect you are thinking of opening up your great American market for more Australian exports to stimulate world trade and so on and so forth?

Coal Face: What? Oh yeah sure, all in good time. But first I need to know just what your plans are for military spending this year.

Fine Wig: Military ….. SPENDING? What, like spending money on military things? What, here in Australia? SPENDING on military stuff, do you mean?

Coal Face: Yeah.

Fine Wig: Well, it’s a bit secret really.

Coal Face: C’mon, Kerry! No secrets between US surely? Get with the program, man, this is Global we’re talking about here! The great U.S.A./Australian alliance…huh? Know what I’m sayin’ here man?

Fine Wig: Oh, of course. Yes, most certainly. Well …. um … I think we will be re-painting our whatsitsnames … those things that go WHOPPA WHOPPA. What do you call them? Whirly things that ……HELICOPTERS! Yes, we’re re-painting those. Aaaaaand - we’re maybe going to get a boat or something for the Navy – as long as it is compatible with our existing outboard motors of course. Aaaaaand – we will probably buy some bullets. Oh yes, and we are going to get new tea making facilities at every armed forces canteen – that’s a must, of course. Aaaand …. things like that generally.

Coal Face: How much? How much are you spending? In total?

Fine Wig: Oh, about …. 300.

Coal Face: Wow, my man! 300 billion dollars!

Fine Wig: Uh …. No! No,no,no. 300 thousand .. uh …. dollars.

Coal Face: …………………………………

Fine Wig: Well, we could perhaps extend ourselves a little. What did you have in mind?

Coal Face: (sigh) Look, Kerry, didn’t you make some kind of promise to spend 20 billion on a broadband network?

Fine Wig: Yes. But of course we …..

Coal Face: And are you going to spend that kind of dough on broadband?

Fine Wig: No of course not. The copper wire is perfectly adequate, I’m told. All the stuff about fibre cable right into the bush was just a load of (expletive deleted). We just need to keep up election appearances and to maintain our perceived standing in the South Pacific region and …….. Ah, yes. I do see your point.

Coal Face: Well that’s good, Kerry, because we are all relying on you to announce that you are going to spend big on armaments because of the possibility that the South Pacific region may be getting a little unstable.

Fine Wig: But it’s not …… is it?

Coal Face: Not yet, but I’ve been having a little chat with the Russian guy, Putang and the Chinese guy, Sum Fuk or whatever and we agree that the best global economic stimulus that we can generate is an arms race. It’s always worked in the past so no reason it shouldn’t work again. Now obviously we can’t mess with Europe or the States, we got enough problems, but the South Pacific is prime. The Chinese have just come up with a suggestion. This morning there was an earthquake in Southern China, nothing too big but the Chinese suggest we let the press know it was an underground nuclear test by North Korea. Those Koreans have been a pain in the ass for too long now so it won’t come as a surprise.

Fine Wig: But won’t that encourage them to actually test a bomb?

Coal Face: You’re shittin’ me! The North Koreans don’t have the technology to blow up a goddam outhouse. Those pictures of all the rockets in the parade? We got satellite images of two guys carrying one of those rockets to its trailer. The goddam things are made of cardboard!

Fine Wig: Amazing.

Coal Face: Amazing is right. But if we convince the rest of the world and you start banging war drums then pretty soon the Japs and the Indonesians and the South Koreans and even the New Zealanders will all be stocking up on hardware. That will flow on into India and we could be talking trillions of dollars here and the end of the GFC.

Fine Wig: Wow!

Coal Face: Wow is right. So can we rely on you, Kerry baby? The Russian, the Chinese and the American Arms Industries are ready to go on your say so?

Fine Wig: Just one thing. Won’t this actually destabilise the region a bit?

Coal Face: Yeah, well only for, maybe, fifty years but by that time all this GFC will be behind us and we can start to deal with any problems down there. So what do you say?

Fine Wig: Um … yes, of course. Whatever you think.

Coal Face: My man! I’ll be in touch again real soon , Kerry.

Fine Wig: It’s Kevin. My name is Kevin.

Coal Face: What? Oh yeah, say ‘hi’ to him too. So long, Kerry.

Fine Wig: But…… he’s hung up. Oh dear. (rustle) Could you put this back on its little stand, love.

Voice off (could be Mrs Fine Wig): You look so sexy when it shines in the dark like that.

Fine Wig: Not tonight, love, I’ve got the start of the most awful headache.

(LINE DISCONNECT)