Are We Really So Stupid?

By that I mean everyone else except you and I of course. Then again, I can’t possibly know about you. You could be a complete cretin for all I know but at least I know I’m not stupid and I have the sustificates to prove it. So why must we seem to be so stupid to politicians, the Media, advertising executives and the like? Why do they paint us in colours so dull and unbelievably boring that they think even a splash of bullshit will brighten our miserable, pointless lives?

I can only assume that these people are so incredibly moronic that they have to assume the worst of us or face the reality of their own inadequacy. They boost their insatiable egos by comparing their incomparable selves with the ground creeping scum called the common herd. Us. As seen by them.

The evidence for this is all around.

Have you seen the ad for mascara that promises women eyes that are 12% more alluring? They’ve achieved this by making the brush 12% bigger! So you get these dozy sods walking into walls because they’ve got half a kilo of powdered carbon and whale fat hanging off each eye. Ladies, you look like fucking racoons. It doesn’t make your eyes look bigger; it makes them look the same size with crusty black gunge whacked around them as though you’ve just finished a sixty niner with a chimney sweep. Come on girls; tell them to stick the brush up their fat arses where it belongs. Failing that spread the muck on with a lavatory brush then your eyes can be 4000% more alluring.

And now we’re going to tool up our armed forces so we can take on the Chinese. Hells Bells, we can’t even beat the Kiwis consistently so how are we going to manage against billions of Chinese slathering us with MSG? I reckon the only reason we are planning to get more planes, helicopters and subs is so all the politicians and important people like that will be able to get a cheap ride to safety before the shit hits the fan when we’re invaded. That will leave the rest of us pulling rickshaws and painting willow patterns on plates. What a fucking future.

Talking of politicians how about our new rep for state parliament, Aiden McLindon? What is he doing? He wants to rid us of the “scourge” of poker machines in pubs and clubs and build a gambling Mecca in rural Queensland instead. Was this kid pissed or just taking the piss? I mean - that’s like saying we have had enough of all the violent crime and domestic violence so we are going to bulldoze Beaudesert and recreate Mogadishu or Palestine in its place. That way people can have a proper war-zone to pop into when they feel a bit agro. They can do a spot of casual killing and probably get blown to bits themselves.

Look, Aiden (you don’t mind if I call you Aiden do you? – you do? – Okay). Look, Moonface, it’s obvious you were trying to talk outside the box in a failed attempt to ensure your maiden speech didn’t come over as just another big, boring, billow of arse air but for fucks sake pick something that is at least plausible. Do you seriously think that if a gambling Mecca was such a sure-fire winner, the Gold Coast wouldn’t already be it? Do you think the Gold Coast with its many tourist attractions, Jupiter’s Casino, beautiful beaches and ocean might be a slightly better venue for a main tourist spot than Beaudesert that can only offer cow shit and a population of mouth breathers that don’t shave on weekends and most of the days in between (except for the blokes – they will often give the old gob panel a bit of a scrape of a Sunday morning if they aren’t too pissed)?

The best that can be said is - you must have panicked. That’s it, you poor chap, you were nervous and felt intimidated and inadequate so you said the first thing that by-passed the nodule on your brain stem. That’s all right son, we’ve all done that from time to time but just remember it was The Mob, not the politicians, that made Las Vegas what it is. The politicians just raced in and clamoured for the kickbacks so, if your “dream” pans out, I’d dust off the old Reeboks if I were you or you might get flattened in the stampede.